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A shower of luck leaves me dizzy with riches
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Have I got good news to share! After losing bets on the Kentucky Derby and Preakness, my luck has come roaring back in spades. In my wildest dreams I never expected such fortune to smile on me, but somebody up there must like me. In the space of a single week, I hit the lottery for $1,609,426 and, making that life-changing bonanza look like peanuts, scored an additional $15,700,000. My heart has been beating like a jackhammer ever since. As soon as my checks come through, I'll be buying drinks for the house. Hey, dinner too.
The amazing thing about my huge lottery win is that —would you believe it? — I never even bought a ticket. There's a big, heartwarming organization in Liverpool, England, connected with the National Lottery, which sends out gift tickets to people whose email addresses are randomly selected off the World Wide Web. And guess what? I won!!
All I have to do is telephone Sir William Smith, and after a few formalities my money will be on the way. (Sir William's office says he's vacationing in the Greek Islands at the moment, but his secretary promised as soon as he returns he'll be in touch with instructions on how to get my winnings.) This is gonna be really neat!!
As for the 15 million, there's a bit of a gray area ethically. It seems the Central Bank of Nigeria is under the impression I am owed a fortune for contract work my company performed. Since I don't actually have a company, I could be taking the money under false pretenses. You see my dilemma? Still, it's 15 million bucks, and even if I'm fixed for life with my lottery win, my heirs could use the Nigerian money. And Mr. William Jackson at the bank's remittance office back in Lagos is anxious for my reply.
I know you may have heard some funny things about "schemes" from Nigeria, but this is different. I got an email from a special agent of the FBI, assuring me that Mr. Jackson and the Central Bank have been thoroughly investigated, and that I could proceed with confidence in any dealings. So that was a big relief.
Enough. These scams seem hilarious, but they are tragedies for those who fall in.
P.T. Barnum is remembered here for starting the Port Jefferson ferry, but the wider world recalls him for one cynical utterance. "There's a sucker born every minute" remains sadly true, as Internet scams fleece the gullible blinded by greed.
For what is more alluring to the human psyche than the promise of instant riches, without effort? Back in the days when Ed McMahon shilled for the Publishers Clearing House to sell magazine subscriptions through the U. S. mail, there was a financial catastrophe in my own family. "You Have Won $1,000,000!" the mailing pieces screamed, scarcely revealing that the number on the mailing piece had to match the winning number, a zillion-to-one shot.
My widowed uncle out in Denver got lured in and couldn't be stopped. Thinking to enhance his chances, he bought magazine after magazine, $40,000 worth. "I've won," he insisted to worried family members. "The government wouldn't let them say it if it wasn't true."
At his peak of delusion he hired a room, invited friends, and waited for Ed McMahon to announce his name at Super Bowl halftime. Never losing faith, he went to his grave convinced the check would be in the next day's mail.
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