A 'tail' of Teddy, the napkin-snatcher dog
November 05, 2009 | 12:44 PM
If it's in The New York Times, then it's official, right? Now I've known for most of my life that some dogs are really smart. As of this past Sunday, we have corroboration from the "Week in Review" section: "some research has examined dogs' actual cognitive ability, and found not just good doggie, but smart doggie."

Oh, come on! My dog, Teddy, runs my household. What does that say about the humans who live there? Rhetorical question. Now admittedly Teddy is one of the "smarter" breeds: border collies, poodles, retrievers, Labradors and shepherds are the brightest, according to the article. Nonetheless, the extent to which my domestic routine revolves around my retriever is testimony enough to the high intelligence of dogs.

I'll be specific. At the end of the day, when I return home and open the front door, the dog is the first to greet me, with moans and cries of pleasure. When the initial ardor subsides, he is then smart enough to get out of my way as I run and do the usual things that we all do upon arriving home: taking off coats, washing our hands, checking the refrigerator for dinner possibilities and so forth. He remains in his favorite nook until we are seated around the dining room table and dinner is just about consumed.

He has never been fed from the table. That's a bad habit. However, he comes sidling up to each of us and sniffs to evaluate the menu. He also checks our laps and beneath our chairs in the fervent hope that we have dropped a crumb or two. The dining room floor is spotless. But should he demand more than crumbs, he will snatch a napkin off someone's lap and start racing around the room, settling for the secondary flavors on the paper until one of us gets up and trades him a dog biscuit for the soggy wad. It's finely-evolved extortion.

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As we rise to clear the dishes and load the dishwasher, he withdraws to his nook. But once we have settled into the living room and begin to read the newspapers he again appears and coaxes us in turn into petting him by putting his snout under an idle hand. He then maneuvers his body into position so that the hand can scratch his itch.

Or he lays his head atop the newspaper or book that I am reading in my lap. He might bring a toy and do a two-step in front of one of us until we accept the game and throw the toy for him to retrieve. Or he utters deep-throated moans to let us know that he loves us passionately as he leans his weight against a knee and awaits a response.

When he feels it's time for his walk, he stands in front of me and tries to catch my eye. If I look up, he jerks his head in the direction of the front door and does another two-step. If I look back down at my newspaper, he tries again to catch my eye for a reasonable number of seconds. Failing that he springs into action.

Typically he circles the living room, looking for a section of the newspaper or a shoe, or better still, a sock, that he can get his mouth around. He then dances in front of me, always just beyond reach, until I get up to free whatever he is holding hostage. In order to abort the chase, I offer, "Want to go out?"

That of course was his purpose all along, and he drops his bounty and rushes to the door. He knows I never fool him and that I'll get his leash and we'll be off. Now I ask you, who has whom trained?

The Times' article quoted experts as saying that an intelligent dog can understand as many as 250 words. But I think dogs also understand more complicated concepts. For example, when I walk our retriever on his extended leash, sometimes he will trap himself on the far side of a tree or a mailbox post and be caught. I will say, "This way, Teddy," without tugging on his leash, and he will unwind himself by backing up around the obstacle, then resume his forward direction.

"The average dog is about as intellectually advanced as a 2-to 2-and-one-half-year-old child," according to Stanley Coren, a college professor and author of several books on dogs. Now we're not suggesting that we should pick between them. But we certainly know which one will be toilet trained first.


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